Embodying Conscious Leadership with Merritt Minnemeyer

carolyn: Welcome to evolve a new era of leadership. I’m Carolyn Swora, your host. And today I’m really excited to be. Introducing you to our guest Merit Minimier. Merit is the founder and CEO of master of one coaching and Merit. And I are going to talk about consciousness as an important. and necessary component of one’s leadership.

Merit’s background in acting and as an international speaker really gives her a unique lens into the space. [00:01:00] And so I’m going to ask her about that. You’ll hear us, speak into that. And, we’ll also hear a little bit about how her own personal life experiences have informed her work and what she does.

Thanks for joining us and I hope you enjoy this conversation. Hello, Evolve listeners and watchers. Welcome to another episode. And today’s guest is coming to us from the same time zone this time. I’m really excited to be bringing on Merritt Minnemeyer to the show. Merritt, welcome.

merritt: Thank you so much for having me, Carolyn. And I’m so pleased to be here.

carolyn: Yeah, well, Merritt, you and I both share, I know when we we chatted several weeks ago now, we really shared a commitment, a Consciousness and bringing that into leadership and really feeling dedicated to helping leaders in particular, find their full potential, which you and I both know is incredibly difficult at the best of times, 

 

carolyn: let alone now.

And I wondered if we could just start off by having you share, you know, your journey that led you [00:02:00] to do this work.

merritt: definitely. So, well, I would say that I was trained early and. Perhaps reluctantly As a young kid and a teenager. My mom would sit me down. We’d fold socks You know launder out the end of the bed and watch Wayne Dyer on PBS when I was a kid And I didn’t even it occurred to me that was special at the time but that was just part of you know part of The flow of our Sunday was to sit down and watch this.

And so, and I think that, you know, she always had a stack of books, like I’m okay, you’re okay. And that kind of thing at the, on her bedside table. And I would definitely went through a period of like, Oh, you know, it’s so annoying. It’s so, so like, well, I don’t know why we don’t want to like, think about all these things.

And why can’t we just, you know, be in the moment and

carolyn: Let me just fold these socks without, and remind us Wayne Dyer, for those who don’t know, remind us who Wayne Dyer is.

merritt: so Wayne Dyer was a wonderful thought leader, author, psychologist, I believe he’s a psychologist, PhD, and he was really ahead of this this, I think it’s a self awareness movement that started in the 70s. He was a pioneer of that particular wave of it. And so he [00:03:00] wrote a lot of books and he and he wrote, had seminars and he did talks and he was also in recovery from alcoholism later in his life.

So he had that lens as well and he integrated a lot of Eastern Lao Tzu and Buddhism and things like that. So he was very much served as a bridge to From Eastern or Western culture, I think, and through this lens of psychology and self awareness quote, self help, you know, that was the terminology in the 80s and 90s.

And actually quite lovely. Like, I love the synchronicity of this, but he had did a couple of films. The last one Which you can find on YouTube, it was just a few years ago and it was filmed at a Selomar, which is a lovely beach resort which is in my hometown. So

carolyn: Oh, no way.

Wow. 

merritt: really cool. I was like, Oh, that’s so neat that he was, you know, I sort of spent the last part of his life focusing on where I grew up, which is kind of felt full circle to me, but at any rate.

So I, that was started early and I definitely had a resistance to it and also having had, you know, my parents divorced when I was 12 and I had some other traumas in my life. And so [00:04:00] my mom definitely wanted me to have, you know, therapy and I was somewhat open to it, but also kind of rebellious and resistant to it and didn’t want to be scrutinized.

And it was just a lot, you know, didn’t want to deal with it, you know, at that time, but the groundwork was laid. Then in, I, then I went to school for theater. And so I always say that theater is like the greatest training ground to be human. It’s great for business. It’s great for human relationships. It’s great for storytelling and understanding behavior understanding tradition and culture.

And so I think that I came at that. With, from the lens of self or awareness of how people work. I wasn’t necessarily super interested in how I worked at that yet, but I got a lot of great language and tools through the language of acting and an art.

carolyn: What would be an example of that, Merit, as somebody who didn’t, I didn’t spend a lot of time in the arts, but like, what would be an example?

merritt: Well, sort of the cliche example is, you know, when we talk or hear actors say, what’s my motivation, right? Like, why am I doing [00:05:00] this? And really what they’re asking is what do I want? Yeah.

Right. And the simple language, what do I want at this scene? And then how am I going to get it? What are my tactics to get it?

And what are my obstacles? And that’s the same language we use in coaching.

It’s a, it’s, you know, what do you want out of the situation or what do you want as your goal? You know, what are you going to do to get it? What’s standing in your way and how are you going to overcome what’s getting in your way?

So from a theater standpoint, it’s about, you know, how the scene plays out the blocking, the staging of the scene, you know, that’s going to involve your behavior, your physical tactics. It’s also going to approach how you deliver the language, the script. In life, it’s actually pretty much the same.

carolyn: Interesting. I, yeah, I didn’t know that.

merritt: but the our script is our own words, right? It’s the words that we are authentic to us. It is what we want in our life or what we want in a situation, a relationship from a leadership context, where is, you know, I’ll give you an example. I have a client who’s dealing with some pretty significant personnel Situations this week and he’s it’s been very nerve wracking for him because he’s had a lot of disruption and he’s had to every time He’s had one of the difficult conversations.

He just sits himself down and asks [00:06:00] himself. Okay. What do I want the outcome to be here? I want the outcome to be that, you know everyone is on the same page that we’re clearing the air that we’re showing respect and You A common goal, and we’re going to all approach it that way. So he goes in with that intention and that way he can lead the conversation with that intention, with that energy, if you will.

 that’s the correlation there.

carolyn: Sorry, I got you off track,

but that was really helpful. 

merritt: it’s, it is actually on track. It’s just a, it’s tangential, but it’s still the same area.

carolyn: Yeah. And so, so some key sort of foundational pieces to your youth and you know, into your teens and I guess your early twenties, how did you find your place like in between now and that point into such deep levels of conscious, 

like wanting to focus on conscious leadership?

Because not everybody uses that term.

merritt: Right. Sure. Well, and I always say that it’s ever evolving, right? We don’t arrive at consciousness. It’s a process that we’re going to continue throughout our life, and if you [00:07:00] will, if you will, you know, if you believe in the afterlife, I believe it’s an ongoing process. For whatever, whatever, however you contextualize that, I believe it.

I like to point to one specific transformational moment in my life that really turned the light on for me and got me out of the, I don’t want to and stop bugging me and you know, why do I want to bother this and is this really worth it to, oh, okay, this is the way I need to spend my life. And so that moment was.

In 2011, my husband, Peter, was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer

And he went through a 13 month process of treatment and surgery and chemo and radiation and all the things. And it was pretty horrific for him and also for us watching him go through it, trying to support 

carolyn: yeah, 

merritt: But of course, obviously, mostly for him, predom I’m having a little stumbling problem predominantly for him today.

And so it was very difficult to watch the person that I love most in the world and try to support him in this process and want to cheer for him, want him to come through it, want him to be okay at the end while also watching [00:08:00] him make some decisions along the way, like fighting for a long time, really doing his best.

And then I watched him come to terms with This is not the life I want to live. This is not the body I want to be in anymore. I watched him make those decisions a little bit at a time. And he was delicate about it. He didn’t make a lot of noise about it, but just a little by little as his body started to fail him and his mind was intact, he couldn’t speak very well, but he’s, but he was definitely aware and conscious and alert and, you know, very much himself and.

So I started watching, observing him and myself being in denial about that, I really thought, you know, he was going to be an outlier and cause I had hope and we have three little kids, they’re now older, but they were little at the time.

carolyn: yep,

merritt: And so I, but I look back on that and I watched him say, really have a deep level of acceptance about that.

So. The night he passed away, it was a, it was, should not have been a surprise, but of course, no one’s really prepared for that. [00:09:00] And a few hours after he passed away, I found myself on the kitchen floor in a family member’s house where he had collapsed earlier that day. And I got an email from someone who had supported him through his process of treatment, and she had worked with him very closely.

And she had written down the last words that he ever wrote.

He loved us and how grateful he was for his life and how he wanted us to go on and do wonderful things and embrace life and how he didn’t have any regrets that he realized how beautiful every day was and it was a gift. And the last six words of the email were choose well, choose wisely, choose love.

carolyn: oh, that’s beautiful,

merritt: And so he was 40 years old when he passed. I was 35 and most times when I hear it, when I tell that story, people hear, Oh, that’s so lovely. You know, well, wisely in love. That’s really nice. And what I keyed in on was the word [00:10:00] choose because to me and for him to have the awareness that of choice in the last moments of his life, that it’s all a choice was so profound.

And I thought to myself, if he can be, have that awareness, if he can choose love in this horrendous situation. And by the way, he had anxiety and depression most of his life. And then the last few months, actually, I saw him wiggle free of that to a large extent because He really, there was nothing left to be afraid of.

You know, he was like, Oh, okay, everything I feared is coming to be. So I guess I might as well, you know, accept it. And it wasn’t quite that clink up, but you know what I’m saying? It’s, it was he had a definite turn of, like he became free in many respects.

And so I, I took that very seriously not just as advice or as an offer, but kind of as a mandate, like a kick in the pants,

carolyn: right 

merritt: you know, stop, stop, Wasting your time trying to please others so much, trying to check the boxes, trying to do everything else you think you’re supposed [00:11:00] to do or should be doing and start choosing what really is love in your life for you, for your kid, for other kids, for your work, for, and I just started applying it over time.

Didn’t, wasn’t overnight over time. I started applying it first to myself at what would it like to be to be choose, like choosing love for myself. And that involved a few things severing some relationships, cleaning myself up getting really honest about the things that I was doing that were destructive to myself and to my relationships. And then I had to choose a new environment and I, you know, I did raise my kids in that I felt was going to be, give us a clean start. And then I was able to choose love in relationships now, including my husband of 10 years now, Tom, who came to me also in his recovery from addiction with a Similar language of choice and consciousness, different context, but similar language.

And we very much practice an intentional marriage. And then it’s not always easy and we’re not always [00:12:00] great at it, but that’s our, that’s always our intention, our focus. And and then I filed, found myself choosing love in my work. And I asked myself, what would it be like to choose love in my work?

And so I followed myself down, followed a path of you know, that took into consideration how I grew up. in an entrepreneurial family certainly my artistic background and a few other components of that. And my I have a certain skills and abilities in business and consulting, and also had a long stretch of time training leaders in facilitation arenas and doing that kind of work and education.

So I sort of put all those things together and landed in coaching.

carolyn: Wow. And with such a strong connection to purpose, it sounds like I know that I saw on your website that somebody referred, or maybe you described yourself as like high whimsy,

low 

merritt: my, that’s what yeah, that was a colleague of mine actually, she, that was a, so I cheated a little bit and that, that quote is from like when I was in her mid twenties, but it’s been my favorite quote of me, like [00:13:00] favorite description of me my whole life. Since then, I was like, that’s like the best thing anybody could ever say about me,

carolyn: Yeah, well, and so, you know, when we think of the word consciousness and bringing this into. The leadership space and talking about it. I mean, conscious leadership, that term isn’t new. You know, I know conscious organizations, you know, there’s been a real movement over the past 20 to 30 years.

I find, and I’m curious to hear what you think that the concept of consciousness is seen as, more critical for success these days, and there’s more opening and acceptance for that term. What’s been your experience with the leaders that you’re working with?

merritt: I would totally agree with that and there’s there’s definitely a lot of acceptance there’s still a lot of misunderstanding or Lack of clarity about what it actually means and but people do lean into it more 

carolyn: would, yeah, so how do you, how would you describe it to your clients and people that you work with?

merritt: Well, simply put, it’s the awareness of choice.

So the more we have [00:14:00] awareness about what makes us tick what sets us off, what creates anxiety or anger or frustration or a joy in our life, the more we can act intentionally towards those things. Or to accommodate those reactions. So if we are not in a position where we are choosing our responses, then we are reacting unconsciously, right?

And we also tend to be just feel justified about that. Well, of course I’m defending this because I’m right. Yeah.

carolyn: Yep.

merritt: So when conscious leadership, we are constantly examining. Am I right? Or is that just making me, am I just being righteous about it? Do I have, is this instinct or is this fear? Is this wisdom or is this knowledge or is it me having some sort of a reaction that isn’t really applicable to the situation, but it reminds me my brain is making a connection to something else.

Am I being thoughtful or am I being set off in a fight or flight response?

Which is so, so, so common and every, we all do it and we all have different versions of that. I’m going to ask for pausing one second. Cause now the dog is being asked to go 

carolyn: No problem. 

No problem. 

merritt: So, okay.

How’d you go? So with all this rain, they do not like thunder.

carolyn: Yes.

merritt: And when the thunder happens, they go upstairs and hide in the bathrooms.

carolyn: Oh, so there. All right. Yeah, I just marked that. So Simona and team, we can just pick it up from here. I marked it on the clip. So. So this [00:15:00] notion, this conceptual level of consciousness, I think we can agree, people are accepting it, getting curious about it. How do you work with your clients or how can you can you share with us, how do you help people embody and step into this notion of consciousness in a more complete way than just conceptually getting it?

merritt: Well, that’s a big question. There’s lots of different tools and tactics and practices. So every individual is going to have a little bit of a different framework and preference about how they want to go about this. From a foundationally, it’s a couple of things. First is I start with a, an assessment called the energy leadership index, the ones I’m certified in that.

And that just gives us a snapshot of how somebody reacts to their daily life when things are going well and how we react to things when we’re under stress. So that, but it’s a, it is a snapshot. It’s a dynamic, it’s not a personality test. It’s like a dynamic sort of sketch of like, okay, when things are this way, I feel that way.

Right.

carolyn: Right.

merritt: And just gives us a baseline and then we can set some [00:16:00] goals from that point. And then it’s a process of inquiry. 

carolyn: Hmm. 

merritt: What about that is frustrating to you? What about that makes you feel joyful? What about that would you like to change? whenever there’s a I’ll give you this example with my client who is going through this personnel struggle right now, and I want to give him tremendous kudos cause he has grown so much and his business has grown so much and it’s just such a joy to see.

And so actually just this morning, he was, we were having a conversation. He said, my instincts tell me. X. And I, so I asked him a question. So how have your instincts to serve you in this way previously? And he said, well, sometimes I follow them and sometimes I didn’t, but I always regretted when I didn’t.

Then he followed up with, actually, it’s not instinct. I’m recognizing behavior patterns. And I was like, woo.

carolyn: Oh, that’s like golden, right? Like, was it on zoom? Did the balloons all 

come down? 

merritt: I know. I was, it was like the gold stars just like flew. I was like, and that’s really it. Right. It’s like being able to. Recognize patterns in other people, in organizations, in self, and go, and then when [00:17:00] I recognize that I can say, Oh, is that what I really want to happen?

Because once I recognize the pattern, then we have the choice to change it or not

carolyn: Right.

merritt: or reinforce it.

carolyn: Yeah.

merritt: Yeah. So, and also depersonalize it. If it’s a pattern, it’s not personal. It’s not I’m doing it or he’s doing it to me or whatever. It’s like, Oh, it’s a pattern. Okay. So we’ve been here before. Okay. This way, this time it turned out that way.

I didn’t love that. So what can I do differently to get a different outcome?

carolyn: Why do you think, Merit, that people are actually caring about these patterns anymore? Like, you know, we, 20, 30 years ago, coaches didn’t really have the same importance that they do for leaders as they do now. Why do you, why is it that, that leaders need coaching now more than ever?

merritt: Well, of course I’m biased. So I would say 

carolyn: so am I, but you know, that’s, anyone who’s listening hopefully is as well. Yeah. Yeah. 

merritt: I would say everybody needs a coach at some point. And also coming from the arts, you know, this is not a new concept to me. Everybody has a vocal coach. Everybody has an audition coach. Everybody has an acting coach. I [00:18:00] mean, this is not new.

And in sports, of course, too, we watch, you know, we’re in the Olympics and all those coaches, every single athlete has their coach on the sidelines, right? They’re talking to them in between events and they’re right. So the people who. Achieve at the highest levels and perform at the highest levels. Have someone or, or, and a team of people around them giving them feedback.

carolyn: Right.

merritt: And that feedback can be part cheerleading and it can be part, Hey, did you notice this? And do you wanna change this? And it could be super nuanced, right? De, depending on how delicate that feedback can be and how well you what that relationship is like. Feedback can also be a blunt instrument, and that’s not always useful because. You know, sometimes we don’t, we’re not ready to receive it or we’re not we’re not up for being quote criticized or corrected. Right. But if we come from a coaching perspective, that is to say the relationship between a coach and a client is I am here so that you can perform at your best

and hopefully your best gets better and better over time.

carolyn: Yeah.

merritt: That is the relationship you’ve engaged with [00:19:00] me as a coach so that I can help you perform at your best. And that’s a much different. Ask then someone coming in and going, you know what you did wrong there, right?

carolyn: Yep 

merritt: and I think that leaders are very becoming very aware that the world is changing.

Organizations are rapidly changing. The workforce is demanding much. Differently, they’re using their voice differently they’re demanding different circumstances, different environments, different structures, and it’s changing very rapidly. And if leaders aren’t able to handle those demands with deftness and also being able to take care of themselves, nothing’s going to get done well, right?

carolyn: Yep.

merritt: Because leaders are just people too. So they need that support too. They need to be able to say, okay, I may be able to see the field in a different way than somebody else, not in my position, but the stress is still going to impact that leader 

carolyn: Right, right. 

merritt: able to handle it.

carolyn: That’s the piece that I think, isn’t necessarily talked enough [00:20:00] about when it comes to having a coach you know, be that at a team level or an individual level is helping to mitigate against burnout. And I kind of want to take this conversation into a place of energy.

And you made a comment to me when we met the first time about being stewards of our energy and intention. And I just would love to hear you say more about that. Cause I very much think it’s connected to our wellness.

merritt: It absolutely is actually essential to our wellness. And so, you know, people sometimes, energy is also gets thrown around a lot as 

carolyn: Yep. 

merritt: all term. So what I mean by energy is how we’re showing up, how we’re taking care of ourself. And that is, it comes back to intention, right? So if I have the energy of, I’ll use the Olympics again, cause I love the Olympics.

So I’ve had the energy of I’m going to do my best and I’m going to, I’m going to push the limits and push my own [00:21:00] boundaries and i’m going to see the field and i’m going to see myself crossing That finish line in record time, right? That’s a different energy than oh my gosh I’m, so scared and I don’t know about this.

I can’t Show up against these other people and they’re so much better than me, right? So So energy in a sense, like physical energy, yes, that’s taking care of our body, making sure that we move, making sure that we have good nutrition, making sure we have good sleep. This whole thing about like, you know, I’m not sleeping and I’m wearing that as a badge of honor, that’s like way old news, right?

That’s not in vogue anymore. I mean, people still do that, but it’s not where it’s at anymore. So there’s that physical energy for sure. And that definitely directly informs Our ability to show up mental with our mental energy and if you know and spiritual energy if that’s how you also, you know Talk about yourself or talk about your soul and your spirit if that’s something that you are engaging in Either way though.

It’s a really about that intention and that clarity of who do I want to be who am I becoming today? How do I want to show up? [00:22:00] It’s different than yesterday. I love the concept and I’m gonna forget who I wrote the book about getting 1 percent better, it might be Atomic Habits, I think but there’s a concept about getting, can I be 1 percent better today?

And I just think it’s so lovely because it feels attainable and it’s also, there’s a momentum of like, Oh yeah, I can do a little bit better today if I’m 1 percent better today than I was yesterday at handling conflict or taking care of myself or building relationships. You know, maybe yesterday I walked in the building and I didn’t make eye contact or say good morning to the person who’s, you know, At the front desk this morning, I’m going to do better.

I’m going to make sure that I look that person in the eyes, smile at them and say, good morning. Thank you for being here.

carolyn: And when you say better, what I’m hearing is aligning to my intention.

merritt: Yeah, Right.

carolyn: Yeah. Cause sometimes I feel like better is like this constant striving of I’m not good enough. But like I said, my sense with you is just more like alignment with that intention.

merritt: Yes. So that, thank you for that clarification. So better meaning, am I becoming a better [00:23:00] version of myself as I define it? As I define it. Right. And so intention and grounded in values.

And that’s the other piece of consciousness that I think is when we talk a lot about values and people put their values up in their pillars up on their wall and it’s like, ah we’re all like family.

Well, first of all, I have a thing about that. We’re not family in the business, unless it is a family business. And frankly, I’m not sure a lot of people want to be treated like their family. So I’m not a big fan of that.

carolyn: We’re on the same page on that one for sure yeah

merritt: can actually set people off. But what I think the intention of that is meaning is that we’re going to treat each other with respect.

And as people, 

carolyn: Great 

merritt: We’re not going to just assume that you’re going to come in here, sit in a cube, you know, punch a a button, bunch of buttons, and then leave at the end of the day, and then you have your life outside, right? And there is a balance. There’s boundaries that need to be set. We need to make sure that we are executing well and also taking care of ourselves, that we are human beings.

In an organization, we are human beings in a building and human [00:24:00] beings being within context.

So 1 percent better today could be, Oh, maybe I do have a little bit more clarity on my intention today. I’ll go back to that example with my client. I mean, my intention today is to elevate the relationship I have with this one member of my personnel on my team.

And it’s been a little bit tricky. It’s been a little bit conflict ridden, and I really would like to get that cleaned up. Maybe that’s my one percent better today. Or maybe it’s I’m really aware that stress is impacting me in ways of where it’s coming out sideways to my team or to my family or to my loved ones or to my dog or whatever it is.

And I know that’s not really who I want to be. I don’t really want to be that person that gets stressed because I got, you know, mud splashed on me. I’m made of work. And so then I’m going to bark at somebody else. Like, I don’t want to really, I, I really want to be is somebody who treats someone Other people’s respect and kindness.

So how do I be better about that? Oh, well, maybe I need to deal with the mud on my pants, take a couple deep breaths, maybe grab a cup of coffee or tea to settle myself into my, you know, my groove, [00:25:00] make the conscious choice to take care of myself and move through that. And notice I didn’t say let it go, but move through it

carolyn: Yep.

merritt: because we can’t, letting it go is, that’s a different thing.

 

merritt: So. And then bring myself back to the person that is going to be kind and thoughtful with the people around me today.

carolyn: Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, I’ve always believed that people don’t get up in the morning thinking I’m going to go to work and be a big jerk today.

merritt: No, they generally not. Yeah.

carolyn: Yeah. For the most part you know, maybe there’s a small subsection what’s getting in the way for people in your opinion?

merritt: Oh gosh. So many things. Well, okay. I’m going to break it down to a couple of things. So I talk a lot about the fight or flight response, fight, flight, or freeze, or appease response, which is the lizard brain, if you will, right? Our basic instincts for survival. when we have a fight or flight response, I’m sure you’ve probably talked about this before on your podcast and I know you know about this, but just as an overview it makes our body go into a very [00:26:00] focused reaction to keep ourselves alive, right?

So that means that I don’t see past the end of my nose because I need to make sure that I get myself and my cubs into the cave before the saber tooth tiger comes and eats them, right, or 

eats me. But what happens, we have technology and society has evolved quicker than our physiology, right? So we have.

Not well consciousness actually is the bridge between that reaction and Our logical brain being online in the present and so when we have a fight or flight response We don’t in the moment necessarily know the difference between the saber toothed tiger and a puddle of mud Right. because we have this sort of low rumbling, constant stress that is impacting our everyday experience.

And that is exacerbated by those, there’s a lot of wonderful things about being so connected. You know and everybody having a platform for their own individual voice And having awareness of what’s happening in the world. There’s a lot of wonderful things about that The flip side of it is that we don’t differentiate [00:27:00] in our brain right away between an earthquake happening in the Middle East or a a tsunami happening in Polynesia or a fire happening across the country and a fire happening in our house,

From a basic reaction standpoint initially, right?

So our brain goes fire. And then we kind of go, Oh, wait, no I’m, I’m okay, I’m okay. But there’s something in our brain that doesn’t resolve that all the way. And so it carries that alarm. And then, by the way, we also have, you know, how many other millions of data points that we go through in a day, how many alarms are being set off?

carolyn: Right. Right. 

And 

this is all happening under our level of consciousness,

merritt: right, right, right. So a couple of them will sneak through to the conscious level, but most of them are unconscious, right? And so we do things like we medicate through alcohol or through You know, drugs, or through sugar, or through fat, or through or exercise too 

much,

carolyn: Or buying too

merritt: or buying too much, or this is where addictive habits come in or we get [00:28:00] exhausted and so then we go, and I, you know, I’m certainly having you into this, we go grab a cup of coffee or six because we’re so exhausted by all the adrenaline and all the cortisol that’s running through our body all the time from these fight or flight responses.

 That’s the base level that most of us in the western world are operating, especially in work scenarios, in corporate America or corporate. You know, North America or the corporate world. So add to that the stress of being productive and meeting quotas and sales you know, deadlines or sales marks.

carolyn: Yep.

merritt: because now that is also directly related to our survival. In our capitalist society, we equate money with survival. How much money we have Is directly related to how I can take care of myself and my family. And sure there’s competition there and sure there’s like, well, do we really need this much or want this much?

But depending on what, where you are, what your environment is, need is relative. Because I may not need, and I don’t have a jet plane, I may not need that jet plane, [00:29:00] but if I’m going to hang with the people who are setting the tone, setting the standards for my survival without the consciousness about it, and they all have jet planes, I’m going to start to feel like I need one in order to survive. Now, that’s not a conscious decision, obviously, for most people, and that’s extreme, but it applies in lots of different circumstances. So, all of those things together working, we’re constantly churning with this, Oh my gosh, I gotta survive, I gotta survive, I gotta survive. And that puts an incredible stress on our system, and it really impedes our ability to have logic, sound thinking to be able to take a breath.

I mean, it actually physically impacts us in a way that we, our breath shortens, our heart quickens.

carolyn: Yep.

merritt: So, and then we take caffeine, I mean, sugar, and then we like amp ourselves up and energy drinks and, right, so 

carolyn: Yeah. And then we, and we get, yeah. And we get stuck. We get stuck in the habit of all of that.

merritt: Yeah, and so I think this interest, a long way around is this interest in [00:30:00] consciousness is like, is there a way to do differently and still be productive? And still make the money I need to make and still do the work I want to do. I mean, you know, work in has kind of gotten a bad rap and certainly there’s work that is less desirable than others.

And that’s varies from person to person, what that is. But work gives, is, it can be a channel for our purpose. It doesn’t have to be, but it can be. And certainly it’s a channel for us to express a purpose that is, you know, maybe like my husband says, you know, he doesn’t feel particularly purposeful. Like his soul doesn’t get lit up by his work necessarily, but he does enjoy it.

And he realizes that his purpose is taking care of his family. And so his work allows him to do that 

well. And that, so he goes to work thinking, I want to take care of my family today. And 

carolyn: Mm. Yeah. I’m curious, Merit, how many leaders, what percentage of leaders come to you with a [00:31:00] clearly defined purpose?

merritt: That’s a great question. So I have three criteria for people working with me. Number one is that they’re a decision maker. usually the founder, but they’re just a primary decision maker in their enterprise. Number two is that they have a purpose that’s greater than themselves and their bottom line.

And three is they’re not a jerk. I actually use a different word, but they’re not a jerk.

carolyn: Yeah.

merritt: so by virtue of me having those three criteria, most of them come to me with some sense of having a purpose.

carolyn: Yeah, I think that’s, that was probably a better way of describing it. A sense of purpose. ’cause if they’re at that level of an organization, my sense is that there is a desire to lead and do well. For the most part. We know there are others driven by money and we’re not really talking about that kind of group of leaders.

Do they have it really clearly defined their purpose?

merritt: So some of them do. And I, when I want to just speak to [00:32:00] what you said about money versus purpose, and I actually believe that there is room for both, and I actually love working in the space where there’s both. I’m a big fan of money. I don’t think money’s a bad thing at all. But I think what you’re speaking to though, is this sense of like money Over

the well being of others.

Right. That is the be all end all, and we’re just going to try to hoard as much money as we can

carolyn: Yeah, thank you for clarifying. Yep. 

merritt: and that’s a complex set of thinking and decisions that is usually based in survival and some trauma, believe it or not. And that’s a whole nother conversation with Gigguku, cause I’m, you know, I’m in the U S and, but yeah, I think.

Boy, are we seeing that play out a lot

carolyn: Yep. 

 

merritt: But anyway there is, I just want to mention this. There’s a movement, but I’m sure you may know of called conscious capitalism. And I am a big fan of it. So I just wanted to give a shout out to that. It was founded by John Mackey.

Who’s one of the co founders of a whole foods market and a gentleman named Raja Soda. So I’m going to. Give them a shout out and you should read the book and go find out more about what they’re doing. At any rate [00:33:00] so I do, I have a client come to me with, I am very passionate about the environment.

I’m very passionate about having a wellness in the workspace. I’m very passionate about moving things forward along a certain set of values that I have. And that doesn’t necessarily mean that my clients all have the same exact values. For example, one client I have is in the trades. He’s running a high end business in the trades. And so he’s, you know, around building sites and a lot of his personnel are People who are, you know, they have, I mean, a high school education and they have a really high level of skill in their trade. And that’s awesome. And what he says is I want to create a great place to work. I want people to be coming to bang down our door because they know that we have the reputation for being, this is the best place in our industry to work.

And I think that’s so beautiful. what he means by that is we take care of our people. We pay well, we offer great benefits. We have a high standard and we got to hold you to that standard. [00:34:00] That’s a good thing that we want you to be able to reach for better skills and a high level of craftsmanship and all.

Like, I love that about. 

carolyn: Yeah. 

merritt: About that. So, so, and I do have some connection because I have my family history is in the trade, so I’m able to see that perspective too. But that’s what he came to me with was I’m growing my business. I know I need some support and I want to make this at the best place to work that I can.

I was like, that’s awesome.

carolyn: it is. Yeah. And imagine what it would be like working for somebody or in someone’s company who has that energy and intention that they’re bringing into their job.

merritt: Yeah. And let me tell you, like over the last three years, he’s done so, such amazing work and his level of the staff has, like, it’s elevated so exponentially, it’s so fun to watch that he’s got this incredible team now of people who are smart and dedicated and talented and have diverse set of skills and it’s just, they carry themselves differently than they did three years ago.

You know, they’re just like, they walk in and they’re, you know, They stand up straighter and they’ve got [00:35:00] smiles. It’s just, it’s really beautiful. And that’s because of his intention.

carolyn: Yeah. Well, and I think it just comes back to when we are conscious about our intentions and where we’re putting our energy, it has a ripple effect. It impacts the people around us. Which is why I think if we kind of circle back to all we’ve talked about is, is to help, create work and make work a place where we can enjoy and grow versus a place that depletes us and drains us and becomes like a pain in our butt.

merritt: Right. And we’re going to spend what I think it’s like a third of our life at work. I mean, so why not enjoy it? And I know that sounds like to some people who don’t feel like they have a choice and not everybody has as much choices as others do. I would assert that there are ways to bring about more choices.

But it does take a ton of work and just takes ingenuity and that intention, it’s not easy. So I don’t wanna ever oversimplify that because not everybody’s circumstances are the same.

carolyn: Yeah.

merritt: And also, I have been witness to remarkable [00:36:00] stories of transformation. Remarkable. I have a mentor who talks about her growing up in poverty and enduring every kind of abuse you can imagine as a child.

Every kind of abuse. And she had one or two family members outside of that, immediate family who believed in her, who taught her some things, and gave her some hope. And that’s where she, she took that hope and she built on it. You know, so. it’s really a powerful story. And so when people tell me, well, I can’t.

I think about people like this, my mentor, who there’s every reason in the world for her to have, to say I can’t, and yet she chose differently. And not everybody’s going to do that and that’s okay. But just to put that out there, it’s like, there, there are pathways.

carolyn: Yeah. There is. And hope I don’t want to say hope can be a strategy, but hope can be pretty powerful.

merritt: Hope is not a strategy, but it is an intention and it is I mean, we’ll go back to that word energy, right? It’s a 

carolyn: Yep. 

merritt: it really is essential to overcoming anything else.

carolyn: Yeah. Oh, Merit, we could talk for, we could [00:37:00] talk for, I’m sure hours um, what would you like to leave the guests with today in terms of some final messages about their own leadership?

merritt: Well, I like to go back to Peter’s words about choosing well, choosing wisely, and choosing love. Cause they weren’t just meant for me, they were meant for you, and they were meant for everybody listening here today. That’s what, that was his intention. Peter was an incredible leader of the people around him.

He was a brilliant teacher. He was an amazing performer. He impacted lives well beyond what he recognized because of his. Beautiful, vibrant energy and his deep love for people and his great passion for the work that he did and for the people he loved. And everybody around him would say, and still tell me, you know, to this day, 12 years later, say he was the best person I ever knew. And so I don’t say that to be cheese ball, right? I say that because he [00:38:00] was very clear in his last moments, choose love. And that is a strategy

carolyn: It

merritt: and it doesn’t, and it sounds hokey perhaps, but you can choose love in your corporate job. You can choose love at the gas station. You can choose love at the grocery store.

You can choose love when you’re frustrated with your kids and they’re driving you crazy. You can choose love, even if it’s taking a breath for yourself and say, okay, I’m going to come back again rather than lose my top, blow my top and yell at them.

carolyn: Yeah. That’s, at the very least we can choose to love ourself. Yeah. Yeah.

First. Yeah. 

merritt: I would actually. Assert that’s, it’s not the least of the most, because most of us aren’t very good at that, right? But when we start to choose love for ourselves, we start to really care about how I am, how I feel, who I be, then other things become easier from that point forward.

carolyn: Oh, merit. Thank you so much for coming on the show and just sharing your story, sharing those words from Peter and your insights about working with [00:39:00] leaders. How can people listening find you and reach out to you if they’d like?

merritt: I really appreciate you asking. The best way is to go to my website, which is masterofonecoaching, masterofonecoaching. com, and there you can get a free impact session. And what that basically means is a 30 minutes of me bringing something that you’re stuck on. We’ll work through it. We’ll get you to on the path for solution and you can see what it is to work with me.

And if. If you don’t want to work with me anymore, that’s okay too, but I can get, I can point you in the right direction. Also there you can sign up for my newsletter, which I send out about once a month. I do not spam people. It’s once a month, you know, by your election.

carolyn: Yeah,

merritt: And then also LinkedIn, I’m on LinkedIn as well.

carolyn: perfect. Well, we will make sure that all of those links are in the show notes. And before we let you go though, Merritt I asked three questions to every guest that comes on the show. Are y’all set for those questions? All right. These three questions revolve around my book Evolve, and I think there’s these sort of three core elements that can help guide people, [00:40:00] essentially, if I bring it back to our conversation, to higher levels of consciousness and intention and managing their energy.

So the first one is around self awareness, and I find that we can, when we can share and hear each other’s stories we realize that we’re not alone. And so I always like to ask people. Share an anecdote, a story, something you feel comfortable with just a short perspective on a time and experience that took you from one level of self awareness to a completely 

new level. 

merritt: so just briefly a couple of weeks ago I was in Canada for a leadership, a hey leadership event that was run by my colleague, Jonathan Carroll, shout out to Jonathan. It’s called the Dragonfly Club and it was five days in the Lake Muskoka region in Canada beautiful.

carolyn: It is.

merritt: and so peaceful and so healing just to be there for the soul And I was found myself sitting around a campfire with four guys Four guys who I’d never met in person before we’d only I’d met two of them online to them I had only [00:41:00] met in person for the first time this week and It was about one in the morning It was me and these four guys and we’re just you know playing around and like making silly jokes and talking about how the week is gone and I had this moment of awareness And I poked my head up and I said, guys, I have to tell you, this is the safest I have ever felt in my life in a group of men.

And it was so powerful to just be with these four conscious men, intentional, kind, thoughtful, funny, smart men who are coming together just for the sake of the community.

And I have a lot of wonderful men in my life. I don’t want to say that I haven’t. Obviously, I’ve told you about Peter my husband now, Tom, lots of wonderful men in my life. And because of previous trauma I have had an underpinning of not safe that has come up in various places. And to have that moment where I was super. Like just [00:42:00] really that the salient clarity of safety was transformational.

carolyn: Wow.

merritt: I’ve brought that back over the last, it’s been a couple of weeks, but I’m noticing how that conscious moment has informed how I show up every morning.

Like, Oh my gosh, I feel safer in the world. Oh my gosh, I can be more present with my husband because I feel safe. I, again, neither was never not safe with him. I’m just saying this piece that sort of fell into place for me.

carolyn: It’s, yeah, it’s like your body sort of is organized at a different 

level now. 

Yeah. 

merritt: exactly. The domino just fell. That was an old domino, you know, and a preach conscious domino, certainly. And it fell and knocked over all these other dominoes. It was like, Oh, okay. And what that does is not just safe from a sense of fight or flight, but it’s a safety and a sense of trusting myself.

carolyn: Yeah. Thank you. Wow. And I, I really appreciate too that Sometimes we can refer to [00:43:00] big moments in terms of awareness. And it sounds like that was potentially an ordinary

moment, but your awareness of it allowed the awe and beauty of it to really show up.

merritt: Yeah. I mean, it was just us sitting at a campfire late at night, you know, it wasn’t anything, there was no ceremony, there was no, I’m going to heal this, you know, it was 

carolyn: right, right, 

right. Yeah. Wow.

Hmm. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Second question has to do with self regulation, how do we stay present? How do we stay calm and curious if you have any routines or rituals that you turn to to help you?

merritt: I have a few I’m meditation is really important in my life, even if it’s just five minutes or two minutes of where I know I need to reset myself. Okay. Cool. I have spent much of my life denying my connection to intuition in my spiritual life. And again, I know this [00:44:00] isn’t for everybody and everybody, most people have a different way.

It’s very personal. It’s very personal how people contextualize this. So I’m not going to proselytize, but I will say that my connection to my spiritual life and my connection to my intention, I’ve really been nurturing that of late and it has made such a profound difference in my life. Again, this sense of trusting myself,

and that I don’t have to have it all figured out and that I don’t have all the answers and that’s okay,

carolyn: Okay. 

merritt: And the answers I do have come to me in quiet moments.

carolyn: Right, right. does that that practice, that spiritual practice, is that through meditation or are there some other things that you do to make that connection?

merritt: Different forms of meditation. So meditation, I would say meditation just on its own. Sometimes I have a focal point, like a candle, or I like to burn incense or something like that. Just to kind of give myself a different sense of being in a different place. You know, it sort of changes the environment a little bit.

Yoga when I get to it. I’ve not been so good about it this

carolyn: Good hard with three kids. Yep.

merritt: Yeah, but I [00:45:00] mean, but also of course meditation at the end of yoga, right? That, that receiving after we put all the work in and then you have that last few minutes where you get to receive and get indulged. I’ll go blissed out. I also love engaging and witnessing the spiritual practice of others.

I never want to appropriate that. I, but I really, not but, and I really enjoy learning. And so if I can If I ever, I’m invited into somebody else’s spiritual practice and they brought me to each other church or their place of worship or whatever I so enjoy that because I just think that there’s so much richness there.

And there’s so many through lines. You know, we really are saying so much of the same thing. And so, I do also love that. I love reading and I also read a lot about consciousness ’cause I’m a nerd. 

carolyn: Well, and I think it’s funny that we kind of landed in this place of talking about spirituality as a piece of your practice cause I, we can’t get to higher levels of consciousness without some sort of connection in our own personal way to something. You know, bigger than ourselves.

And it is, it’s an important part of our energy [00:46:00] field as well. And Hey, we’re all on our journey in terms of what that looks like for ourselves. So, Yeah. So it’s just interesting how that came up in our, in, in this question, it kind of leads me to my last and final question, which is this idea of being connected to something bigger than yourself.

So sort of. Helping us co regulate being in connection with others. What is a song or genre of music that really helps you feel connected to something bigger than yourself?

merritt: This is a tough question because it’s hard to narrow it down. So I will try to be brief and say a couple of things. One is I remember being maybe 10 or 12 years old and singing in a Christmas concert. with my choir and I was a, so I’m being in a theater, I’m a trained singer. And so music is a very, always a part of my life my, my family’s life.

And it still is part of my life big part of my life. so I think that that particular Christmas concert, I became aware of, it was one of those moments where you just, everyone’s sort of locked [00:47:00] into flow. And it was kind of one of those magic things that happens with music where he’s like, Oh, you’re so Transcending the current moment and it was the first time I ever had that experience. So I’m not even sure what song it was but Christmas music sometimes brings that out. I mean, cause I have that memory and it’s just in the right environment and the right, you know, candlelight and the smells and the I love that that sort of feeling of coziness and candlelight and that memory of being, of transcending as a child.

Transcribed Also being a musical theater person, certainly things like the greatest showman. That’s one of my like, hypes, you know, songs and it’s super cheesy, but it, that is, it works. I mean, there, there is science behind why music elevates us. You know, there’s actually Peter Gabriel’s daughter has started a a foundation for research and the proliferation of the data that we know about how music can change our brain state.

And it’s a beautiful book and foundation and I highly recommend you all check it out. 

carolyn: What’s it called? 

merritt: , so the book is, Do Everything Better With Music, [00:48:00] and it’s the, I think the reverberation is the foundation, I think. And the author of this book is Keith Blanchard, but the foundation, the organization that Is backing this information, this is spreading these programs is Peter.

So the four words by Peter Gabriel, it’s his daughter. Who’s founding has founded the the organization. And it talks all about like why music does what it does and how we can use that to our advantage and how we can use it in the workplace and how we can use it in our life. And how listening to one song or a set of songs can actually bring Physically change our brain and physically change our mood.

Yeah. 

carolyn: I love music myself. I mean, I think so many people say that, like have that connection. And I really appreciate talking to people who have a performance or theater or like artistic background. Because then I find out, you know, we all find out things like you just shared that there’s science behind this.

merritt: there is yeah, 

carolyn: yeah. So, 

merritt: and then one last thing I want to just to say about the music is So when I was going through the depths [00:49:00] of my grief there I had a playlist that I was playing over and over again, and it was Jason Mraz and Pink and a few others on there And What I appreciated, like I was fortunate enough to see Jason Mraz play with the Boston Pops, the Boston Symphony Orchestra a few weeks ago, and I’ve seen him play a few times, I just adore him, I adore his music, and he’s, you know, and my husband who is, you know, a little more, you know, The nitty gritty than I am.

He’s like, you know, I, I get it. I mean, I, and he’s very charming and I understand, you know, I can see, and he’s like, I noticed that there’s a sea of women in this audience, and there always is , and they’re all sort of losing their minds, you know, usually women our age, you know, they’re not 

carolyn: Yep. 

merritt: And I said it’s not, first of all, he’s obviously very talented.

There’s lots of very talented musicians. What I appreciate about Jason Mraz is not that he’s like bubbly and sweet and bubble gum, and it’s that he. He has made a choice.

makes a choice [00:50:00] every time he plays to show up and bring joy. And he’s very clear about that being a choice.

There’s lots of different kinds of music he could perform. There’s lots of different bands he could play with, right? And it does seem kind of syrupy sweet on the surface. But what if you know a little bit about him? You know that he is very consciously bringing joyful music and positive messages out in the world.

carolyn: I don’t know much about his background, but that is my sense with his music, is there is, there’s a depth to it. I’m really curious to know your playlist now 

too, because you mentioned Pink. I’m going to see her in concert next

week. And I’ve seen her several times and I have I go see concerts. I was just at one last night, like at least one a month, usually two a 

month. 

And pink is one where I will invest a larger proportion of money. And. And I find the experience being [00:51:00] up close and sort of that close to the performance brings a whole other level of music, but kind of similar to what you said to about Jason Mraz you know, whether or not you like pink as an artist is sort of like secondary to this is there is an authenticity and there is just a real presence and being in the moment.

And when you’re that close to the performance. You know, she’s not intoxicated. She’s not under any sort of drugs. And I’ve seen lots of performers who aren’t, Hey, like do your thing. But there is this real genuine. Peace and presence to her. That is just, I think that’s performers that can sink into that space in their own authenticity and level of consciousness.

That is the piece of connection that people crave and will pay money for. And if I just kind of circle back to leadership, that’s the type of connection that I think people are looking for in our workplaces as well.

merritt: I totally agree with that. [00:52:00] I 100%. And I would say, you know, it doesn’t have to be pop music. It could be anything. I mean, I was at a conference a few weeks ago and Renee Fleming, the opera singer, was speaking about her new book about also that music and the mind, I think it’s called, and about the power of music, also another great one, and a lot about the data behind it and why we need to put it in schools and, you know, it should be part of every child’s education.

And one of the things she said in her talk was that she’s engaging in a practice of Doing one, having one aesthetic experience every day.

carolyn: What does that mean?

merritt: So meaning that she goes and she will read poetry intentionally, or she will go see a concert, or she will go to an art gallery, or she will watch something that she knows she’s going to be uplifted by, or she’s, but it’s intentional.

It doesn’t have to be expensive, right? It could be something, it could be for free. You could go see everything in the park, or you could just put one thing intentionally, one aesthetic experience every single day, because it feeds our soul as human beings. And we are so quick to dismiss that. I’m too [00:53:00] busy.

I don’t have time. I don’t have money. It does not have to be something that you have to spend a lot of money. You could, but you don’t have to.

carolyn: Yeah. Yeah. 

merritt: so I, and I actually, I love that challenge.

carolyn: Yeah. Well, it’s making me I just went to the art gallery of Ontario for the first time last weekend. And so I know by seasons pass. So, yeah I’m going to take that. I’m going to take that with me too. I love Merit how the closing three questions has just sort of spurred into this other whole conversation.

So. So as much as I, yeah so, for all of you listening, I encourage you all to reach out, connect with Merit and her great work and Merit. Thanks again for coming on the show.

merritt: Oh, thank you so much for having me. I’m really grateful and it’s such a pleasure.

carolyn: I’m kind of, giggling at How the three questions, of, of Evolve that I asked at the end of the session are really meant to wrap up the conversation and for Merit and I, they seem to take us off into a new tangent. I hope that you enjoyed that expanded ending [00:54:00] of the show digging into music and really how scientifically, how it helps us feel connected, you know, I’ve had several guests on the show talk about conscious leadership.

And I’m doing that intentionally. I think it’s really helpful to hear how this word consciousness is described by different people. And in this case with Merit, I love the simplicity of what she said. Consciousness is choice and that we have choice. in perhaps more things than we realize we have choice in our reactions and our responses.

I’d love to know what you think of the episode. feel free to leave a comment about the show and whatever platform you’re using. You can also reach out to us at hello at carolynswara. com. Thanks so much for joining this episode and If you like what you’re listening to, please press and you can find [00:55:00] out more about me at carolynswora.com and maybe even consider signing up for my weekly newsletter. I like to make it really, really practical and help you each and every day become the conscious, wonderful, evolved leader that I know you are. Take care.